Abusive

I don’t have much of a story. I used to be social in high school and little while after. (But I was fake. I just acted like however I thought the people I was with wanted me too. I honestly have never known who I am as an individual.) Then it was a sporadic thing. And over time, non existent. At 25? I started drinking/going to the local bar and eventually started dating a 40 yr old who was an mentally/verbally/emotionally abusive alcoholic who constantly cheated on me. I stayed for 5 years. Almost as soon as I left, I reconnected witch an old high school flame. It was hot and heavy really fast. We fell in love and I moved a few hours away to live with him. It was great for a year then he beat me so bad I was in the hospital. And he continued to do so for the next 3 years. He was abusive in every way. Narcissistic to say the least.
I moved in with friends back home (married couple) after he cheated on me only to discover that theirs was also an abusive relationship. I started going to the gym/working out/eating healthy and then also got into a little drinking again and cocaine. I lost alot of weight and was sctuflly feeling