I feel alone, a nobody, a victim
Today I have a bad day again, that happens more often. It started already yesterday at the birthdayparty of my eldest son. I had to work my ass off to be able to give him that party, while we actually did not have money for it.
And then at the of the party my mother in law (because my son was gonna sleep at her place) and I had to work later on, says, ok, then we will take all the presents so that he can play with them. While our youngest son stayed at home with his daddy.
i felt so angry, because the presents should be in our house, just like our oldest son. But my parents in law completely take him which makes me feel like a worthless mom. He sleeps maybe 1 or 2 night a week home and the rest there. I don't want that, but I don't have the power to go against it and to bring him everyday to the daycare where he doesn't want to go.
I Feel unhappy with their father (that still doesn't have a steady job) so that we cannot go to the shop without a calculator to see what we can buy. sometimes i's all too much and I think my kids are better off without me.
i don't like my job, but because my husband doesn't have a steady job I cannot go back to college. I insisted on heaving the family I never had as a kid.
My parents are barely present in my life. my father never wanted me, and here I am, a young mama without any goals or prospects. i should be happy, i have shelter, can give my kids what they want at the expense of the things I would like for myself, got a steady job and a husband that I don't like. It all seems so hopeless for me. My depression comes and goes, but every time I lose... I wish it would stop.
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